Wed afternoon

Nothing to report.  Pat has to make his own arrangements for Rehab.  He hasn't done anything.
He sold his truck yesterday. He was supposed to pay a girlfriend back some of that. Doubt that he has.

I am not going to think or worry about it today.  I plan on a nice evening tonight.  Sit on my tush and read a book, or something equally mindless. 


I am not tired of praying for Pat.  I am tired of  "drug drama" and "man drama".

I could wish and wish for things to be done with.  For this to be over.  For my son to be who he used to be.  But, that is never going to happen.  My little boy is never going to be what I so wanted him to be.  He has become a differant person.  Not the boy I had years ago.  Time has changed everything and I am just now seeing the whole truth.  Don't you just hate the truth!?!

I am saying goodbye to that little boy that I loved.  The young man that I thought I was raising and the adult man that I looked forward to him being.  I am saying goodbye to him.  The child that I saw and knew right away that I had missed him my entire life.  I quess I will have to go on missing him again.

The heartache and the worry can not be carried around with me all the time.  I can not hold it and look at it over and over and over again.  I think I will die if I do that.  God gave me one life.  One mission in life.  So far, I see only failure in that mission.  I hold to His promise "Raise your child in the way he should go and, when he is old, he will return to it."  That is my hope.  One day, my son will return to it.

Until that happens.  I can pray for his return. Pray for him to become old and return.  That is my hope, the only hope I have right now.  Do I sound hopeless? I am sorry, I am not hopeless.  I do have hope.  What I don't have is a time frame.  Not in my time frame, In Gods timeframe.  Ugh!  That could be a long time!  

 I will not carry this hurt out in the open.  I will not pick the scape off and make it hurt again and again.  I am going to put the medicine on it that is prayer and cover it with the bandage that is Gods Will.  I can not look at what I want, what I wish for, what my hope is.  My hope is, well, I can't turn back time so my hope is not important.  I can only accept what God wants.  What His will is and His vision. 

Since I can't look at my hoped for, I will look at what the possabilities are.  What is possible?  What can actually happen? What can I do in this situation to make those possibilities the reality?  Nothing.  I can't make him do anything.  I can't take any action.  I can't make any plans. 

So, hope and possabilties are gone for me to look at.  I could look at the past and try to figure out where all this went wrong.  Then I could decide what I did wrong and change my behavior from this day going forward.  Oh, an action step!  I like that. Something to do, look back!  Look at all the wrongs.  I did so many things wrong!  But, I did do somethings right.  I need to mesh up all the wrongs and the rights.  How many wrongs does it take to cancel out the rights?  Uh, maybe this needs to be left for now.  I think if I continue on the the wishing that I things had been differant will get to be to much of a heartache. 

So, the medicene and the bandage go on.  For now.  And prayer and acceptance of Gods Will has to be the only things I deal with.  I hope that you will help me with this. I hope you are praying for him.  Sometimes, I can't even make out the words that I want to say.  Sometimes the only thing I can say is "Lord, be with him".  I am to that point today.  I know the Holy Spirit is praying with me. 

Lord, be with Pat!