Yesterday he told me that he wants to stay out of treatment until after his 21st birthday next week. I say Why??
I am cutting ties with him. I don't answer my phone everytime it rings. I often times just turn the phone off.
I am beginning to feel that "as long as he is away from me...."
I am tired, I am lonely for my son. Today, I think I am going back to the mourning my loss stage. I am sorry. I don't mean to regress. Maybe I just need the rainy weather to stop.
But then again. I remember how I loved him as a baby. How I knew he was the one that I had waited for, how he amazed me so often. (as all my kids did of course) But, he was so sick, in the hospital, in the doctors office until we just decided to deal with the symptoms rather then go round and round to find nothing. I know I am still dealing with the symptoms...todays symptom is...loss.
Continue praying friends. One day, I know, God will use him. I live in fear that they use of him will require more loss but I will accept anything if I can know that I will see him in Heaven as that little one I loved so.
I know, today is rambling. I need the rain to stop so I can think!!
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